The Daily Diplomat
Are you seated comfortably? Well, let’s begin! Did you know that you happen to be a full‐time diplomat hard at work? Whatever age you are, that’s how many years of diplomatic experience you have. Each day, you negotiate the terms and conditions of your mutual connection with various others. There is an exchange that goes on between people, whether it is material or non‐material. You may require things from others, and others may require things from you. Such is the nature of this world.
You don’t just communicate in order to pass on information, but as professor Jerzy Bralczyk explains, you want to form a connection, which is the most difficult in all of this. You also want to be viewed as credible, so people believe you, and you want to efficiently get your point across without accidentally saying what you don’t want to say. Communication becomes an art of negotiation. Wikipedia defines negotiation as an interaction and process between entities who compromise to agree on matters of mutual interest, while optimizing their individual utilities. They also list conflict as part of this def‐ inition, but I must challenge them on this point because many negotiations don’t involve any conflict. Your daily life is a platform for many negotiations, big or small. They can happen anywhere, and we don’t really consider them as such, because they hide under the guise of normalcy, or more specifically, under the guise of social norms (we will discuss them more in depth throughout this book) by which we guide our behaviour when sharing spaces and experiences with other people. It takes a great deal of effort, and mental energy, to negotiate with other people daily. The constant “dressing up” of our words in a proper way, in order to ensure the most favourable response, can be really exhausting, especially with the latest preoccupation with political correctness filtering the spontaneity out of our communication.
For example, when a waiter is attending to a table of clients, he is focused on behaving in a way that will result in a bigger tip. He is not literally negotiating that tip by saying to the clients, “How much will you give me at the end of my service to you?” or, “It will be $2 extra per joke; how many would you like today?” The negotiation is happening through both parties’ mutual understanding of this social norm of keeping it cool as they participate in the norm of giving a tip. The norm requires them to kind of pretend it doesn’t exist, and the ne‐ gotiation is playing out somewhere within that dynamic. Behaviours, emotions, and thoughts, combined, form themselves into the frequency that aligns with a specific monetary amount to be awarded to the waiter.
Somehow, influence finds its way into our daily negotiations. To get others to assist you in anything, you must use some form of influence. Whether we want to acknowledge it or not, people are motivated to a large extent by self‑interest. The waiter wants a substantial tip, so they have to act in a way that will help them receive it. The result of your negotiations with others usually is meant to equate to something that benefits you, or benefits something else that is important to you. Self‐interest sounds selfish, but it is not to be taken literally as a bad thing, because it is incorporated into the design of human life, as every human at some point realizes that they themselves, above all, are responsible for whether they eat or not. Every human should be prepared for having their own life in their own hands, even if in this moment that may not be a necessity. There are levels to all of this, you see. Self‐interest has a scale. You may not have thought that a simple thing such as stopping to pet someone’s dog is motivated by self‐interest. If you look deeper, this action is driven by the desire for a pleasurable experience, which emanates from feeling the soft fur of this cute animal, and hopefully having the dog confirm to your ego that you are an awesome person because dogs like you.
Have you ever had to run into a store, right at closing time, wanting to quickly purchase something you need, so you tried to influence or convince the cashier to process this one last transaction just for you? You had to influence the cashier to give you that favour. More serious influence can be found in situations like parents influencing their children’s career decisions or marriage decisions, or some law representatives influencing defendants to plead guilty in order to get a better deal in their sentence and end the case. Self‐interest is at the core of all humans because we all have a main goal: to keep ourselves alive in the most pleasant and efficient way. Survival is the one thing that life all over surely has in common. It may not always appear that humans are motivated to act in a manner that is most pleasant or efficient, but even those who consciously sabotage their own good are often driven by something that satisfies some part of them, giving them the perception of a continuum.
Not just in today’s world, but all throughout time, the right social capital has been a valuable commodity, and can be a huge asset in your life’s portfolio. Social capital refers to the people within your reach, who can be a valuable link to something that benefits you, your family, or your business. Everyone relies on other people for many things. On a deeper level, it is actually the thoughts, feelings, and behaviours of other people that you rely on, and those must be recognized for what they really are, not just what they appear to be. There are intrinsic (internal) and extrinsic (external) traits, and the former only come out in specific situations, and often after some time, making them much harder to size up. That understanding must also be applied to yourself. When you remember to check with your inner “guru” for guidance in various decisive life situations, you will be less likely to buy someone’s junk, especially when you are caught off guard, distracted, or put on the spot.
Whether you consider yourself to be outgoing, or prefer to keep to yourself, personality shouldn’t decide for the quality of your interactions with others. Everyone needs to eat, and everyone needs to become as familiar as possible with the playing field of their lives. You don’t have to be a social butterfly in order to achieve a pleasant and beneficial social life. When you increase your psychological awareness, and con‐ tinue to equip yourself with interesting knowledge that ex‐ pands your basic interests, you will be able to tailor your social results to your very own personality. Moving into a greater state of consciousness will increase the ability to attract more like‐minded people into your life who suit your needs.
You are continuously lobbying for your access to many as‐ pects of this life, and sometimes also lobbying in favour or disfavour of others. It also happens that you may NOT be lobbying for yourself enough, and miss out on many benefits simply because of things like shyness or limiting cultural beliefs. Some people shy away from approaching strangers to network with. Many people also demote themselves subcon‐ sciously and have a hard time promoting themselves because they don’t want to be accused of bragging; although, no matter the personality, it is important to keep in mind that what‐ ever you want to achieve, it will involve not only talking to others, but talking to them in a way that will be effective for you. Even in something as common as getting a job, or a deal, an overwhelming majority of what happens is by word of mouth! The Small Business Trends website reports that the majority (about 70%) of “employers feel most comfortable with word of mouth job candidates when a friend or acquaintance of a current employee or someone in their circle applies for a job.” This is why person‐to‐person interactions are so crucial to the proper functioning of society and its economy, just as they are crucial to your quality of life. Might as well become a master of your social world, enjoy the benefits, and leave disappointments in the past. Increased knowledge of the mind will illuminate your future, one day at a time.
Are you seated comfortably? Well, let’s begin! Did you know that you happen to be a full‐time diplomat hard at work? Whatever age you are, that’s how many years of diplomatic experience you have. Each day, you negotiate the terms and conditions of your mutual connection with various others. There is an exchange that goes on between people, whether it is material or non‐material. You may require things from others, and others may require things from you. Such is the nature of this world.
You don’t just communicate in order to pass on information, but as professor Jerzy Bralczyk explains, you want to form a connection, which is the most difficult in all of this. You also want to be viewed as credible, so people believe you, and you want to efficiently get your point across without accidentally saying what you don’t want to say. Communication becomes an art of negotiation. Wikipedia defines negotiation as an interaction and process between entities who compromise to agree on matters of mutual interest, while optimizing their individual utilities. They also list conflict as part of this definition, but I must challenge them on this point because many negotiations don’t involve any conflict. Your daily life is a platform for many negotiations, big or small. They can happen anywhere, and we don’t really consider them as such, because they hide under the guise of normalcy, or more specifically, under the guise of social norms (we will discuss them more in depth throughout this book) by which we guide our behaviour when sharing spaces and experiences with other people. It takes a great deal of effort, and mental energy, to negotiate with other people daily. The constant “dressing up” of our words in a proper way, in order to ensure the most favourable response, can be really exhausting, especially with the latest preoccupation with political correctness filtering the spontaneity out of our communication.
For example, when a waiter is attending to a table of clients, he is focused on behaving in a way that will result in a bigger tip. He is not literally negotiating that tip by saying to the clients, “How much will you give me at the end of my service to you?” or, “It will be $2 extra per joke; how many would you like today?” The negotiation is happening through both parties’ mutual understanding of this social norm of keeping it cool as they participate in the norm of giving a tip. The norm requires them to kind of pretend it doesn’t exist, and the negotiation is playing out somewhere within that dynamic. Behaviours, emotions, and thoughts, combined, form themselves into the frequency that aligns with a specific mon‐ etary amount to be awarded to the waiter.
Somehow, influence finds its way into our daily negotiations. To get others to assist you in anything, you must use some form of influence. Whether we want to acknowledge it or not, people are motivated to a large extent by self‑interest. The waiter wants a substantial tip, so they have to act in a way that will help them receive it. The result of your negotiations with others usually is meant to equate to something that ben‐ efits you, or benefits something else that is important to you. Self‐interest sounds selfish, but it is not to be taken literally as a bad thing, because it is incorporated into the design of human life, as every human at some point realizes that they themselves, above all, are responsible for whether they eat or not. Every human should be prepared for having their own life in their own hands, even if in this moment that may not be a necessity. There are levels to all of this, you see. Self‐in‐ terest has a scale. You may not have thought that a simple thing such as stopping to pet someone’s dog is motivated by self‐interest. If you look deeper, this action is driven by the desire for a pleasurable experience, which emanates from feeling the soft fur of this cute animal, and hopefully having the dog confirm to your ego that you are an awesome person because dogs like you.
Have you ever had to run into a store, right at closing time, wanting to quickly purchase something you need, so you tried to influence or convince the cashier to process this one last transaction just for you? You had to influence the cashier to give you that favour. More serious influence can be found in situations like parents influencing their children’s career decisions or marriage decisions, or some law representatives influencing defendants to plead guilty in order to get a better deal in their sentence and end the case. Self‐interest is at the core of all humans because we all have a main goal: to keep ourselves alive in the most pleasant and efficient way. Survival is the one thing that life all over surely has in common. It may not always appear that humans are motivated to act in a manner that is most pleasant or efficient, but even those who consciously sabotage their own good are often driven by something that satisfies some part of them, giving them the perception of a continuum.
Not just in today’s world, but all throughout time, the right social capital has been a valuable commodity, and can be a huge asset in your life’s portfolio. Social capital refers to the people within your reach, who can be a valuable link to something that benefits you, your family, or your business. Every‐ one relies on other people for many things. On a deeper level, it is actually the thoughts, feelings, and behaviours of other people that you rely on, and those must be recognized for what they really are, not just what they appear to be. There are intrinsic (internal) and extrinsic (external) traits, and the former only come out in specific situations, and often after some time, making them much harder to size up. That understanding must also be applied to yourself. When you remember to check with your inner “guru” for guidance in various decisive life situations, you will be less likely to buy someone’s junk, especially when you are caught off guard, distracted, or put on the spot.
Whether you consider yourself to be outgoing, or prefer to keep to yourself, personality shouldn’t decide for the quality of your interactions with others. Everyone needs to eat, and everyone needs to become as familiar as possible with the playing field of their lives. You don’t have to be a social butterfly in order to achieve a pleasant and beneficial social life. When you increase your psychological awareness, and con‐ tinue to equip yourself with interesting knowledge that expands your basic interests, you will be able to tailor your social results to your very own personality. Moving into a greater state of consciousness will increase the ability to attract more like‐minded people into your life who suit your needs.
You are continuously lobbying for your access to many aspects of this life, and sometimes also lobbying in favour or disfavour of others. It also happens that you may NOT be lobbying for yourself enough, and miss out on many benefits simply because of things like shyness or limiting cultural be‐ liefs. Some people shy away from approaching strangers to network with. Many people also demote themselves subconsciously and have a hard time promoting themselves because they don’t want to be accused of bragging; although, no matter the personality, it is important to keep in mind that what‐ ever you want to achieve, it will involve not only talking to others, but talking to them in a way that will be effective for you. Even in something as common as getting a job, or a deal, an overwhelming majority of what happens is by word of mouth! The Small Business Trends website reports that the majority (about 70%) of “employers feel most comfortable with word of mouth job candidates when a friend or acquaintance of a current employee or someone in their circle applies for a job.This is why person‐to‐person interactions are so crucial to the proper functioning of society and its economy, just as they are crucial to your quality of life. Might as well become a master of your social world, enjoy the ben‐ efits, and leave disappointments in the past. Increased knowledge of the mind will illuminate your future, one day at a time.
_____________
Nika Domi
www.NikaDomi.com
New York Times Bestselling Author: Person to Person
